“Wait? You didn’t tell me that!” my husband said to me one morning when he overheard our seven-year-old ask me about speaking at a conference this coming fall.
“I didn’t?”And that was that. The end of our “conversation”. He didn’t have time to respond. You see, at that precise moment, our “explosive” five-year-old, who didn’t get food in his body fast enough that morning, melted down.
Our son needed us 100%.
Time slowed for a bit during the next few minutes as I realized my heart teetered on a line between total love and devotion to our son and absolute resentment for taking his dad away from me time and time again.
Our Parenting Special Needs Backstory
Our middle son’s “rigid” personality is not something my husband and I take lightly. {If you want to hear more about our journey, please check out these posts on sensory processing disorder.} Our experiences with our “highly functioning on the spectrum” child rarely lead to a calm, joyful day for our family.
In addition, staying on top of our son’s triggers, the signs he’s about to meltdown (which typically lasts 20-30 minutes on the short side), and his “ways to calm my body” list is hard work for me and my husband (and even harder work for our sweet baby boy).
Oh, and did I mention we have two other children? I am not complaining or looking for sympathy. Simply stating the fact that at this point in our son’s life if we don’t help him figure out how to self-regulate, we’ll have much bigger problems down the line. We get it. We accept it.
How Parenting Takes from a Marriage
Still, all of that hyper-vigilant parenting takes time away from our marriage. I don’t resent our son. I am simply painfully aware of the necessary ramifications of guiding him to a happy and healthy adult life.
My point?
We have to be super intentional about our time together and make certain we’re connecting hopefully on a daily basis, which brings me back to my opening exchange. That exchange of words is an indication that we’re not doing the work we need to be doing for our relationship.
Like any Type A writer, I set out to make a list in order to reference during these crucial days and weeks when the time slips and our capacity for one another seem non-existent. Of course, I have to share this list with you.
25 Ways to Connect with Your Partner During Life’s Tougher Times
- Check in multiple times a day with a quick text, email, or phone call.
- No negative texts such as “Child A is driving me insane and acting horribly. I can’t deal with him.”
- Pause before sending any such text
- Don’t play the blame game
- Mark time on your calendar to connect (yes, I mean, 8pm = snuggle with hubs)
- Greet one another in the morning and in the evening with a kiss and a hug. We call it ‘”XO” before you go’. I can’t claim this one. I stole the adorable phrase from Rachel Macy Stafford’s Hands-Free Life. Easy to integrate into your daily habits
- No devices in the bedroom (ok, maybe a kindle)
- Read the same book (and, gasp, talk about it!)
- Watch a movie together (like the good old days)
- Hike or do something together such as yard work, rock climbing, making a nice dinner, or taking a class
- Hug at least six times a day
- Make a list of why you fell in love with your partner
- Check out John Gottman’s work, create a love map with your partner, choose an app or hard copy product, such as the 100 Open Ended Questions, and discuss with your partner. My husband and I did the 100 questions app over dinner one night. At first, we thought it might be a bit too much but we ended up laughing and remembering why we fell in love in the first place.
- Go away for a night or weekend without devices
- Create a relationship mantra or mission statement (such as the reasons you fell in love or what you want in life together) and place it in a visible spot to visit several times a day
- Aim for a 5 to 1 ratio (give or take) of positive to negative comments. Research suggests the opposite ratio is true in exchanges between partners.
- Make a list of why you fell in love
- Tell the story of the first time you met to one another or to your kids
- Cook each other’s favorite meal
- Say “yes”
- Make eye contact in a noisy room and smile just between the two of you
- Sneak a make-out session (read: laundry room as your kids are heading out the door to school)
- Surprise him or her with love notes in a book he’s reading, in the visor of his car, on his mirror, or in the rearview mirror of his car
- Handwrite a card or letter
- Spontaneous date night
I hope you enjoyed this post. Let me know what you think by visiting our Still Happily Married Facebook page or commenting on this post!
Marnie
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